The Golden Arches are golden

Amid a sea of sinking first-quarter profits, McDonald's is a lone buoy of hope, up nearly 4 percent thanks in part to its beefed up fried chicken offerings, tastier cups of Joe and the sale of its interest in Redbox, those vending machines that pump out movies for a buck a night.

But mostly thanks to me, and the other 13.2 million unemployed Americans like myself.

Due to my current financial situation, I've been forced to frequent the home of the Big Mac — where $4.67 gets me not one but two Snack Wraps, a medium fry and a lemonade — more times in the last two months than I ever have in my pre-unemployed life.

I'm only kind of complaining. The price is definitely right, and the fries are magical — really, it's quite possible they could be an unknown cure, albeit temporary, though the effects will last longer if you opt to Supersize, to mild depression — but I could do without the side of stomach aches and slow but steadily growing arm flab.